American Girl

She waits another week to fall apart...

If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace. ~ Thomas Paine

1 -  Forgive the list format please - it's how my mind works these days.  Makes me feel much more organized.

 

2 -  Ryan's home from his first day back at work - we both survived!

 

3 -  Make that:  All three of us survived!

 

4 -  I have this great idea.  Valentine's Day is coming up, and I'm fully aware that it's just a silly little event dreamed up by Hallmark.  BUT, wouldn't it be fun if we had a Valentine exchange here on Motime?  Yes!  It would be SO fun!  I'm willing to organize it.  Rules!  There have to be rules:

 

4a - If you want to participate, send me a momail or comment here

 

4b - I'll match you up with a buddy, and momail you back to let you know who it is

 

4c - On February 14th, you send your buddy a Valentine.  I'm thinking you can do this on your blog, and then momail your buddy and say "Come check it out!"  (This way we can all see how creative you are!)  It can be anything - a poem, a nice friendly note, a picture that you took or created - whatever!  You do NOT have to be talented to participate.  We'll all love you no matter what, because you cared enough to join in.

 

4d - This is NOT a romantic thing.  People will be paired up without regard to sex. (We're talking male/female here, get your mind out of the gutter!)  This is strictly a Motime friend/community deal.  Everyone is welcome to participate.   You are not permitted to run off and have an affair with your buddy if you are married.  If you are not married...I guess it would be ok. 

 

4e - It will be FUN!  Sign up!

 

5 - Hope turned two months old yesterday.  Awww. 

 

6 - Tomorrow she's going to the doctor.  For shots.   There goes two months of bonding and trust, right out the window.

 

7 - I really should consider some form of anti-anxiety therapy

 

8 - I'm thinking we should reschedule the Motime drinking blog party.  I can't do it this weekend, but I can do it on Saturday the 11th.  Be there or be square!

 

9 - I know blogging is light these days because I've been too busy and clearly my walls are crumbling all around me.  Please don't kick me out or replace me!

 

10 - One might wonder why I take on extra projects, like hosting blogging parties and Valentine's exchanges in light of bumber 9.  I think it makes me feel validated or something.  Not sure.

 

11 - Miss you guys!

 

posted by: AmericanGirl at 19:52 | link | comments (15) |

I'm back at work, in case you haven't heard all the crickets chirping around here.  Seriously, between my family, my job, blogging, and my sanity, something's gotta give here. 

 

I'm really going to miss my sanity.

 

I love my job, it just feels so unimportant now.  Unfortunately, while I've almost convinced my coworkers that it's all just meaningless grunt work, I can't seem to get my clients to agree.  I do hope my appreciation for it comes back some day. 

 

Mother nature is cruel in her timing because it seems like your baby starts wanting to stay awake for longer periods of time, and your post partum blues turn into all out dark turmoil right around the time you and {GASP!} your husband have to go back to work.  (Surely these things are connected)  Ryan's been off all this time and I'm barely keeping my head above water.  Tomorrow he's going to work and I have no idea, (NO idea!) how I'm going to get through my day.  Friday I have to actually leave my house and go to the big, bad city.  The only thing worse than leaving my baby to go to the big, bad city would be taking her along with me to the big, bad, city.  (Which I considered, don't get me wrong!)

 

There has to be some balance, eventually, right?  Please tell me that at some point I'll learn to multi-task, and that at some point I'll agree that it's nice to leave this warm, soggy world of motherhood and actually enjoy some grown up time in a mentally stimulating environment.   I can do both.  So many people do both.  I can do this, right?  Success stories only, please.  (Make them up if you have to, just don't tell me that you're making them up)

posted by: AmericanGirl at 13:40 | link | comments (7) |

Just because she's so cute that she deserves to have her little face posted on two blogs:

 

posted by: AmericanGirl at 13:17 | link | comments (16) |

We had a conversation over the breakfast table this morning about what makes us weird.  Or mostly what makes ME weird, because I always seem to get picked on around here.  And now I want to know what makes YOU weird.  I'll start:

 

I'm weird because:

 

I think the cell phone is easily the most obnoxious invention ever, and I wish they would just go away.

 

Closely followed by the SUV. 

 

I don't drink coffee, but I literally drink Caffeine Free Diet Coke (or Pepsi) all day.

 

I think people who claim to like Coke, but not Pepsi, or vice versa, are ridiculous (On second thought, I'm not the weird one here)  (Well, maybe the rage I feel inside on this subject is a little weird)

 

I can't sleep face to face with someone, because breathing in someone's exhale makes me feel like I'm suffocating.

 

While I adore every single kid that's related to me, or related to someone I know, I find "other people's kids" highly annoying.

 

I think the worst physical feeling in the world is sunscreen on my hands

 

I can't eat leftovers

 

The sight of tomato juice makes my physically ill.

 

Now that I mention it, the thought of tomato juice makes me physically ill.

 

There's more, but enough about me.  Ryan is weird because he can't eat any food on a stick.  Specifically a wooden stick.  Ice cream or steak or anything in between - he can't stand it.  He's also weird because he never, ever gets sick.

 

My brother is weird because he eats apple sauce with every meal, no matter what it is.  Oh, and he totally cringes at the texture of velvet.

 

As you can see, the conversation was mostly focused on me.  So now I switch it over to you to save myself.  What makes you weird?

posted by: AmericanGirl at 11:17 | link | comments (15) |

I've been thinking about how much we tend to believe that we are in charge of our own lives.  I remember an old psychology teacher who stressed that every single thing we do is a choice.  In reality, you say things like "Well, I have to go to work.  I have to pay taxes."  But really, you don't.  You chose to get out of bed each day and go to work.  Most people make choices like this rather than face the consequences of poverty and IRS fines.  Everything is a choice, and we're in control of it all, right?

 

Wrong.  The truth is that the universe, something outside of our realm, is in charge of it all.  My mom always says "You plan, God laughs."  I don't believe it's God.  I believe it's forces that we can't control or understand.  What controls them?  Maybe nothing.  Maybe it's just a random series of events that play off of eachother, or maybe they're already set in stone.   I don't know.  But you can spend your entire life thinking that you'll work, raise your children, create a nest egg, retire, and spend the rest of your life with your husband, and then swooosh - your husband is suddenly taken away and you're left wondering, now what?  These are the things that really control our lives, in the greater sense.  Whether or not you decide to pay your taxes is just the dog poop that you accidently walk through, in the grand scheme of things.  Because you could be on your way to the post office to mail your tax return when a house suddenly falls on you.  Hey, you never know.  You can go on believing that you control your own destiny if it makes you feel good, but I've seen enough that I know better now.  We're just along for the ride.

 

I hate haunted houses because I can't stand the feeling that something is going to jump out and scare me.  I don't like the thrill, the anticipation, or any of it.  When I was a kid and we played hide and seek, I always came out of hiding and ran for it, rather than sit there and wait to be found.  I couldn't stand it then and I can't stand it now.  If I could have one wish, it would simply be to know what horrors are coming my way.  What else?  And when? 

 

I have a friend who regularly visits a psychic.  She records their meetings, with permission, and when I got engaged, I called to tell her and she said she already knew, because her psychic had told her.  Sure enough, she played the recording for me, and the psychic actually mentioned me by name, and said I was planning something.  Something with bells.  Oh!  A wedding.  And my friend said something like "Oh wow, T's getting married?" and the psychic said yes, she is.  So certain was she.  I heard this with my own ears.  I believe, I believe, I believe.  So I would love to go, and just have this pyschic lay it on the line.  But, alas, they don't tell you anything bad.  I guess they'd be out of business if they spread all this dread around.  Maybe you can ask, but I think the general rule is that if you're about to walk out of their "office" (studio?  what?) and get run over by a Mack truck, the good pyschic wouln't let you know.  Seems kind of irresponsible, if you ask me.  I'm told that the reasoning behind this is that if they tell you you're going to eat it in five years, one might just decide to take matters into her own hands, rather than wait for impending doom.  Life probably seems more than a little bit hopeless when you know you're not going to be around much longer.  And, what if a pyschic says that the earth is going to shift on it's axis next month, and we'll all be wiped away by the ice caps.  Can you imagine the impact that news like this would have on the stock market?  And then, what if they're wrong?  Everyone makes mistakes, right?

 

A smart person would say that this is why you need to live for each moment.  Enjoy every day as if it were your last.  But really, who can do that when you just know that you're going to be shat upon again and again?  Why get your hopes up?

 

Ok, that's all the negativity I can provide in one sitting.

 

In lighter news, I went on a date Saturday night.  An honest to goodness date with my husband and no baby!  And when we got back to my sister in law's house to pick up our sorely missed babe, we were told that she'd just finished off six ounces of milk, and was sleeping, so go home!  Relax and have fun and pick her up in the morning.  So I said "Gee, I don't know..." but Ryan was already outside starting the car.  I envy his sanity.  It's not that he loves Hope any less than I do, it's just that he doesn't feel this ovewhelming sense of unhealthy attachment that I do.  Recognizing that it's unhealthy does nothing to ease it.  It's a hormone, I swear.

 

Anyway, Hope had her first sleepover, and it was a success.  And just as I was feeling pretty good about that, my precious little nephew said "You never do anything with us anymore."  Aurgh!  Et tu, Brute?  So of course, I overcompensate, and come up with this wonderful plan that might be tough to pull off, but involves an arcade and a trip to the toy store and some ice cream and everything short of a trip around the moon, and he pouts and says "Awwww, I wanted to go to Burger King."  Ha.

 

So many assorted thoughts, so little time.  Just one more thing.  There's all these class blogs popping up here on Motime with titles like "9/11 memory" and such.  I know they're only students, and I know it's just a silly assignment, but there's this one, which I won't name because of the two aforementioned points, but it says "The tragedy that struck the United States of America on November 11th, 2001 has been deeply embedded into my memory."  Not once, but TWICE this person goes on to mention the date as November 11th.  Oh for the love of Pete, is this what we've come to?  Is this our future?  

 

I think I'll move to Australia.

posted by: AmericanGirl at 13:12 | link | comments (12) |

I'm just really sad.  I don't feel like writing about it, except to say that everything that I've spent the past few years trying to convince myself was rock solid is suddenly not.  And honestly, writing about anything else when that is so overwhelming feels shallow and empty and bad.  It also feels insurmountable and hopeless and neverending.  So, I was thinking I would just bag it, because although sometimes I feel better after writing it all down, I'm clearly just going round and round in circles and not doing anything productive or good.

 

But then I thought about how I've felt in the past when a bloggy friend just suddenly disappears.  It's like you spend all this time and energy building friendships, (and they are real friendships, even though you can't meet face to face for coffee, which I don't even drink anyway) and then for someone to just go "poof", when you can't even call them up and say "Hey, WTF?" is just wrong.  It makes people feel bad.  Well, I can't speak for all of you, but it's made me feel bad in the past.  And I've suddenly developed this staggering case of guilt - you wouldn't even believe the things that I'm suddenly feeling guilty about, and I can't do it.  Maybe I'm just too full of self importance or something.  Maybe I'll stick to commenting, and I'll still be here and it won't be the same as just going without a trace, and it will be fine.  I don't really know, and I'm not in a place when I can be making permanent decisions about anything right now.  So, if I'm weird, that's why.  Please don't make me feel bad about it.  It's not you, it's me.

 

Yesterday I spent some time reading my old blog, and I came across this entry, copied in part, from December 22, 2004, about a conversation with my mom:

 

Yesterday we had a long talk, and it's no coincidence that she chooses a time when she knows I'm not going to change the subject abruptly or suddenly invent some reason to go home - about how she thinks I should have a baby.  What will I do, she says, if I am old and sick?  Who'll take care of me like we're taking care of her?  I'm surrounded by people, I remind her.  People who would take a bullet for me.  I've no doubt about that.  Still, she says "The only child you'll ever regret is the one you don't have."

I don't know how to tell her that I'm deathly afraid of reproducing.  Not the pregnancy part, or even the pain of birth or anything like that.  It's the life - that little life, totally dependent on you for protection.  And then it's the inevitable letting go of that life, when that life starts making it's own decisions, some of them very bad ones, and although you have a vested interest, you have no say anymore.  It's a big, dark, scary and mean world, and it's no place for any child of mine.  I simply couldn't handle it.  Memories of my mom dealing with the loss of her child haunt me.  I'm not as strong as her, and I know I couldn't survive it.  I don't know how to tell her that I love my unborn child so much that I chose to not bring him or her into this world.  Because, yeah...that makes no sense.

Wow.  I certainly was introspective back then, wasn't I?  Yeah.  Exactly eight days later, we decided to try to have a baby.  And here she is, and I still feel exactly the same way.  Except that the now the unborn child is here, so it's even scarier.

posted by: AmericanGirl at 13:05 | link | comments (11) |

Ryan came home today with flowers.  "Awwwww", right?  Not quite.  Make that flowers and a sheepish grin and a "Do you want the good news or the bad news?"

 

"Good news only, please.  I only want good news."

 

Turns out the good news goes something like this:  "No one was hurt."

 

"Oh crap!  You crashed my car, didn't you?" 

 

"You want some more good news?"

 

"Yes, please."

 

"It wasn't my brand new truck."

 

Somehow, that doesn't make me feel any better.  The boy is cursed when it comes to vehicles.  Cursed!!  And worse, this one was probably totally his fault.  Our insurance rep didn't return his call.  I don't know why, they must have us on speed dial by now.

 

*SIGH!!*

 

You know, I hear lots of women complain about their husbands.  Some of it's even justified.  People yell at their kids in frustration all the time.  But just now I looked at my husband asleep on the couch, and my daughter asleep on his chest, with her little arms straight up, and still her hands only reach the top of her head.  (How can that BE?)  He looks so peaceful and so natural with an infant in his arms, even asleep, and I'm amazed at how well he's adapted to his new role of being a father.  And she's making that little sucking motion with her mouth, even though it's empty, and I can't even imagine feeling anything but complete and utter love for both of them.  Sloppy driving and unreasonable crying spells and all of it.

 

They're lucky they're so darn cute.

 

But seriously, how lucky am I? 

posted by: AmericanGirl at 20:06 | link | comments (16) |

Pop Quiz!!  (No cheating!)

 

Place the state on the map

 

My score:  94%    8 miles    249 seconds 

 

posted by: AmericanGirl at 13:11 | link | comments (15) |

Tomorrow Hope will be 6 weeks old.  Do you have any idea what that MEANS???

 

No, you probably don't.  Though I suspect some of you might.  Those who've had children recently might. 

 

What that means is that tomorrow is my six week checkup.  And what THAT means is that I'll be declared officially no longer pregnant or under the care of my obstetrician, and my body is no longer a baby making machine, and it's... well...it's mine!  You know, for the most part.  (Not counting the whole feeding thing)

 

Sooooo, I can drink, I can lift heavy objects, drive a car, scuba dive, run a marathon, learn to surf, touch my toes, dye my hair, go back to work, and...AND...I can have sex! 

 

Let me tell you, six weeks is a long time to not be able to...do any of those things.  Mentioned above.

 

Soooo, I was thinking that before I have to go back to work and have zero free time left, we should have a party.  A virtual party, here on Motime.  Sound fun?  If I set up a party blog, and invite you all to it this Saturday night, will you come? 

 

BYOB. 

 

Oh, and you have to drink it too!  Drunk blogging, what could be better than that?  Everyone is invited.  RSVP here so we can set you up to post on the blog.

 

You won't want to miss it, right? 

posted by: AmericanGirl at 18:29 | link | comments (17) |

I'm wondering if there are any only children out there who might be willing to share their thoughts on growing up as an only child.  I'd like to hear the negatives and the positives, since it's an area that's completely foreign to me.

 

I'd also love to hear thoughts from parents who raised a single child.   If you had it to do over, would you add a sibling or two to the mix?  Would you have done anything differently?  (I know that everyone always says I wouldn't change a thing when it comes to important life decisions, but heck, I'm asking anyway.)

 

Please discuss.

posted by: AmericanGirl at 19:35 | link | comments (21) |

It's a big day around here.  A day of milestones.  For one thing, Hope is going to have her first experience with a babysitter.  This is harder than I even imagined it would be, and I imagined quite a bit of agony.  She will be fine.  She'll be fine.  Really, she'll be fine.  She'll be in very capable hands which have raised more children than Ryan and I combined (obviously, because that isn't hard, but itdeserves pointing out), she has a gallon of pumped milk in the freezer, and plenty in the fridge too.  Even if she cries the entire time we're gone, she's probably too young to remember it.  Uuuuugh.  She'll be fine.

 

In preparation for this big event, I pulled out my favorite pair of jeans.  Pre-baby jeans.  On a whim.  Sort of a marker, to see where I am.  Well, they FIT!  Heck, they're even a little bit loose.  I should have tried them on sooner, but I thought it would just be too depressing. 

 

Two more weeks till I have to go back to work.

posted by: AmericanGirl at 10:57 | link | comments (12) |

Urthshu has tagged me with what must be THE most boring meme that's ever existed.  (Sorry - You know I think you're great, but it's true!!)  Alas, I've tagged him with all sorts of nonsense before, so here it is:

 

What software do you use?

OS: Windows XP
Window Manager: What?
Shell: What?!!
Browser: Internet Explorer
E-mail: MS Outlook, or Yahoo
Chat: Yahoo
Word Processor: MS Word
Text Editor: And that would be different from my Word Processor how?
HTML Coding: Clearly, you've tagged the WRONG chick.
Image Manipulation: Photo Explosion Deluxe
File Manager: Explorer
FTP: Stop it, now.
Newsgroups: Don't use them
Music: iTunes, or Roxio
Movies/DVD: I have a TV for that

I hate to break the chain, but I can't think of one person that I want to know this stuff about.

posted by: AmericanGirl at 12:51 | link | comments (6) |

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