American Girl

She waits another week to fall apart...

If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace. ~ Thomas Paine

I wanna talk, but I don't have much to say.  This is where it would be helpful if would could all just get together in a coffee shop, or better yet, a big giant table in some lovely establishment that's serving brunch.  Don't you just love brunch?  Breakfast foods plus lunch foods plus champagne?  Come on!  Does it get any better than that?  How nice would a Motime brunch be?  I seem to be struggling for something to say here in this place, but over pancakes and mimosas the thoughts would pour right out, I'm sure.

 

I could talk about how, much to my dismay, I'm not going to quit my job.  And I could ask for suggestions on how to spend the big bonus check that I just got in the most deliciously frivilous way possible, because it's found money and should be spent on something I normally wouldn't spend it on.  I could complain about how much I think I need glasses, but boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses, do they?  I could pass on the passes, actually, but my eyesight makes me feel like, yet again, my body is letting me down.  Getting old and wearing out.  Phoey.  Then we would need to talk about happier things, like who you have a crush on, and maybe we could toss in a good old fashioned game of truth or dare.  (Because the mimosas would certainly have started kicking in by now, right?)

posted by: AmericanGirl at 10:57 | link | comments (22) |

This morning, after not-sleeping on it, I wrote my letter of resignation.  Just for fun.  And it was!  Fun.  It's like the ace in my pocket now - All these deadlines, obnoxious clients, senseless travel, stress and time away from my baby - all of it could be gone with a wave of my letter and two weeks time.  Sure we'd be totally broke, but let's think this through. (Read: Complain a lot)

 

My workload is ridiculous.  I've never been in a situation where I couldn't meet deadlines, and now I'm spending a good chunk of each day just telling people that what they want is impossible.  Is that a time waster or what?  I'm doing the work of four people and there's a hiring freeze, so there's no relief in sight.  We just landed a new multi-million dollar account that I'm supposed to be managing, with a team than consists of two temps that know nothing and one other guy who's just as swamped as I am.  I've been told that since shit rolls downhill, I must attend the manager's meeting, for a whole week, in New Orleans of all places.  Come on now, it's not that I'm insensitive to their plight, but we don't even have an office in New Orleans, so what gives?  Are the higher ups intending to gawk at the disaster?  Are all of the hotel rooms in Iraq sold out?  Is it just super cheap?  Your guess is as good as mine, but whatever the reason, it's beyond ridiculous that I should have to leave my family for such nonsense.  For a whole week!

 

So I'm sitting here daydreaming about having my days free to roam, not tied down to a computer all day.  Hope and I could wake up at our leisure and walk to the park, maybe go jogging or something.  We could read that giant Winnie the Pooh book and work on sitting up.  When he's not home with us, we could visit Daddy at the firehouse.  We could spend our summer at the beach or, if it's raining, the mall.  Ok, that's where the fantasy ends, because we would be broke.  Really broke.  So it just comes down to whether or not it's worth it.  Ok, what it really comes down to is whether or not I can convince Ryan it's worth it.

 

I figure as long as we could pay the mortgage and have enough left over for food, we'll be ok.  We own a home, I've invested heartily in my 401K, we have savings for a rainy day.  Most of all, we have a beautiful little girl who's spending way too much time in her bouncy chair watching me beg for extensions on my deadlines.

 

I know it wouldn't be quite like the images in my mind - which consist of Hope and I running through grassy hills all day long in flowing white dresses with the sun shining on us, but it would be much better than the current situation.  Better because I'm having dreams about taking tests with questions like this:

 

Which way does a rock roll around:

A) Blue
B) 9
C) Chicken Little
D) Portuguese

 

Seriously, that's an actual question from the test I was trying to complete in my nightmare the other night.  Worse, everyone else in the room had already breezed through the questions and finished, and I was still stuck on question #1 as I wandered through the mall.  (Yeah, I don't know either.)  The other night I had a full blown panic attack when my computer flashed the blue screen of death because I knew what a situation like that would do to my already crushing deadlines.

 

The problem is that this is my dream job, when it's working well.  I love my job and my boss is generally outstanding and I feel that I owe him, at the very least, my dedication.  The other problem is that the mere mentioning of my letter of resignation sends Ryan into a mild panic attack.  But Hope and I, we continue to daydream, because we could do it.  We could.

posted by: AmericanGirl at 11:04 | link | comments (10) |

Encouragement for the Seeking
by SARK

 

What if you're out of work and haven't yet found a job?

 

It's scary.

 

The space between no work and work can be immense and seemingly impossible.

 

It IS impossible in those moments.

 

See if you can stay present with yourself during such a time.  Feelings such as shame, despair, hopelessness, terror, rage, helplessness, worry and anxiety may surface.

 

Let them surface.

 

Those feelings are actually propelling you into new ways of feeling and being.

 

It's true.

 

One day you will find yourself headed to work.

 

You will barely remember what it was like with no work.  Yet all of those same feelings are inside of you.  Let them surface even when you've found work.

 

Our reaction to having work or not having work is the most challenging part, and our resistance to feeling what we feel about it causes the greatest pain.

 

If you're seeking work, don't do it alone!  There are message boards, phone lines, books, people who would eagerly turn toward you to help.

 

Work always surfaces.

 

I send you tall courage, deep faith, and unshakable certainty^*.

 

^* Borrow mine if you're temporarily low.

posted by: AmericanGirl at 12:57 | link | comments (2) |

Happy Birthday Ryan!

 

posted by: AmericanGirl at 10:33 | link | comments (6) |

I think I'm in big trouble, but you guys got my back, right?

 

It all started with a wet sock.  I had just settled in for a quiet night of putting Hope to sleep and flopping on the couch for a night of "America's Next Top Model".  (Shut up!  Like you don't watch anything shallow or stupid!)  Then I decided, in between those two events, to do a load of laundry.  So I emptied the hamper and went downstairs to the laundry room, and before I got to the washing machine, I had a wet sock.  There's only a few things worse than a wet sock.  One of them is when you're innocently filling up your cup with Diet Coke at a self serve fountain and Dr. Pepper drips on your hand .  (Shudder!)  I HATE THAT!  A close second is when you're shoveling snow and snow gets on your ankles or your wrists, in spite of your boots and gloves. Nasty stuff.

 

So, I had a wet sock, which can't mean anything good when you're standing in your basement.  Worse, further investigation revealed that the water seemed to be seeping in from under the wall.  Not good.  Side note:  Why does stuff like this ALWAYS happen when your husband is at work?  Why??

 

I quickly called the more handy of my brothers to find out if I needed to call a plumber or a real estate agent, and he came over to check it out.  So we're downstairs trying to figure out where the water is coming from and the doorbell rings.

 

Backtrack:  On Tuesday evening before I got home my evil ex sister in law had called and spoken briefly to Ryan.  She said she needed to discuss something with me, regarding the kids.  He asked if everything was ok, and she spoke some elusive nonsense about a matter that she needed to bring up because my brother (not the handy one, the one who was married to her) was unwilling or uncomfortable bringing it up.  Siiiiiiigh!   I spoke to that brother, who said he had no bleeping idea what she was talking about, so I never called her back.

 

So now here it is Wednesday night, and the ringer of the doorbell is her.  Here's where, instead of rehashing the entire episode and getting myself all worked up again, I copy and paste the brief explaination that I emailed a friend regarding what happened next:

 

"The lowdown on Anna is that she thinks that I'm neglecting her kids in favor of my other brother's kids kids. Neglecting her kids! Like I'm their mother! I explained the obvious, that I do more for them because they don't have a father, and she said "Yeah, but how long will you keep on catering to them because of that?" Can you believe the nerve of her? I told her that I would continue to be at their beck and call for as long as their father stays dead. And aside from that, I can't even begin to get into the things I have done, and continue to do for her kids. She's ridiculous. My mom called me and said "Do you call her a pig nose? Because she said you called her a pig nose."  I think I called her a "two faced pig nosed bow legged bitch", actually. I'm so classy."

 

That's right, she called my mom and told on me.   Oh!  The things that I said!  It was like my wet sock sent a message to the dark corners of my mind and released the three headed, skunk scented, crack addicted, rabid hounds.  Bad timing on her part.  She should have planned her visit for a time when Ryan was home to keep me in check, or when Hope was awake to force me to leave my potty mouth at the door, or when my sock wasn't wet from an undisclosed leak in the basement that we JUST finished with new flooring, etc... but she didn't.  Is that my fault?  I think not.  The best part was that in the midst of a very one sided screaming match, my brother came upstairs to see what the heck was going on, stopped in the doorway, then turned around and went back downstairs without a word.  At least someone in our family is smart.

 

I'm really a pretty nice person, most of the time.  Really.

posted by: AmericanGirl at 11:21 | link | comments (6) |

Ryan has taken over Hope's blog.  Hooray!

 

Tomorrow I have to go to my office for meetings, and because it's performance review time.  Since I feel like I'm one of the only fully functioning employees left after the recent clean sweep, I expect to get a gold star.  Actually I expect four extra gold stars, for extra workload I'm stuck with.  That's only fair, right? 

 

Then my boss sneaks in that he's letting my brand new assistant go, so I should wrap things up with her.  While she and I have a fine working relationship, I've wondered about her because she never asks any questions.  I figured she was either exceptionally bright, or exceptionally dim.  It's hard to tell until she actually starts producing some work, and even harder to tell from my house, when she's at the office all day.  A few times I called in favors from my coworkers, asking them to casually stroll by and see how she was doing.  These requests were met with reactions like "No way man, that bitch is crazy!"  Things have been a little tense around the office lately, so I let it go.

 

There was word about a big fight between my assistant and the receptionist over a Scotch Tape dispenser, but our receptionist is undoubtedly nutty, so I was able to excuse that too.

 

This morning I called the office and when I asked to speak to my assistant, my receptionist paused, then as if I had just asked her to launch a nuclear missile, she said "Ok, hold on".  Two seconds later, literally, she said "Oh, she's not picking up, I'll send you to voice mail."  Really, it was two seconds.  Not even enough time for a phone to ring on someone's desk.  Like I said, she's a little nutty.  Maybe I've been too distracted to string all these signs together. 

 

So I ask my boss what the deal is.  He said that everyone is afraid of her.  When she walks into the kitchen, it's like cockroaches when you turn on the light - everyone scatters.  It's not conducive to a healthy working environment.  Ok, that's pretty funny.  So I laughed and suggested that certainly it can't be that bad, and there's silence on the other end.  I asked if he was still there, and now he's speaking in a hushed tone.  "I'm telling you, she just walked by my office, stopped in the doorway, narrowed her eyes, growled a little, and continued on her way."

 

Ha!  I told him to let her go and get me someone nice instead.  Except I just got a phone message from her asking for new assignments, and now I'M scared.  I can't give her anything new, because today's her last day and she doesn't know it yet.  There's three and a half hours left in the day, what the heck do I do with her?  I think I'll take the rest of the day off.

posted by: AmericanGirl at 13:53 | link | comments (6) |

Ok, confess.  How many of you read certain blogs just because they irritate the crap out of you?  You know, the kind of blogs that have opinions you'll never agree with, and that in fact you disagree so whole heartedly that you keep coming back for more, just to see what they're going to say next.  Come on, I know I'm not the only one.

 

I came across this blog when the writer, Mr. Umar Lee completely disrespected an off duty police officer, Eric Hernandez, who was shot by a fellow police officer and later died of his injuries.  In short, Umar Lee blamed the fallen officer for his own death, because he was drinking while off duty and went out to get a hamburger in a dangerous neighborhood in the middle of the night, where he was attacked and severly beaten by a gang of thugs, even after he identified himself as a police officer.  (Yeah, he had it coming. <-----Sarcasm)   Umar Lee then went on to say that the police officer who shot him, without knowing that he was a fellow officer, wouldn't have done so if Officer Hernandez had been white and not Hispanic.

 

So yeah, it's the kind of thinking that irks me.

 

So on to today.  As you may or may not know, there was a riot in Brooklyn last night.  Police officers stopped an elderly Hasidic Jewish man for driving while talking on his cell phone.  When the man was asked for his license and registration, he refused to show them.  Now, this could have stopped right here, his choice.  He could have shown his paperwork, maybe he would have gotten a summons and maybe he woudn't have, but it was 100% his call to comply.  He refused.  You know, a ticket of any type is in lieu of arrest.  They COULD arrest you for talking on your cell phone while driving.  (Which is illegal in NY)  If you ever get even a parking ticket, it says so right on there.  In lieu of arrest.  Of course arresting everyone who commits a traffic violation would be an administrative nightmare, so it doesn't happen that way.  Point being, if you don't follow the orders of a police officer, you might just end up in jail.  If you don't show your license and registration, they have no choice but to bring you to the station.  Seriously, what were the officers to do in this situation?  Say "Oh, you don't want to provide your license?  Ok, I guess I'll just be on my way then."  Come on!

 

Let me say this.  Being elderly doesn't make you immune to the law.  Neither does being Jewish. 

 

So the man argued with officers, and got out of the car.  When the officers ordered him back in the car, he refused.  In order to restrain him and keep him from walking off while the officers dealt with the issue and called it in, he was handcuffed.  Again, his choice.  He could have gotten back in his car.  This is when all hell broke loose.  The officers were attacked by other Hasidic Jewish men who had been witnessing the incident.  One of them jumped on an officer's back.  As more police officers came in response to the officer's call for help, more men from the neighborhood responded as well.  They rioted, beat the officers, started fires, and set a police car on fire.

 

All this, because the man thought he was above the law and shouldn't have to provide his license and registration.

 

So, back to the original point, what does Umar Lee have to say?  Here is part of his post on the subject:

 

"I am happy that the Hasidim can stand up as a community, and this is not an anti-NYPD statement because we all know that we need them and this city would be hell without them, but sometimes police power must be checked by the people."

 

WTF?  No seriously....WTF?  This kind of behavior is ok?  Asking for a license and registration after a legitimate traffic stop  is "police power"?  Handcuffing a man who refuses to abide by the law is "police power"?  Setting fire to your own neighborhood and attacking poice officers is standing up as a community?  And it's something to be happy about?

 

Not in my neighborhood, thank you very much.

posted by: AmericanGirl at 14:06 | link | comments (9) |

Here's a blast from the past, for those of you who've been around for a while; Two years ago today, Ryan and I went on our first date.  How crazy is THAT?  Two years!  It feels like he's been this gigantic part of my life forever, and yet that first date feels like it was, oh...last week or so.  I think back to that time, when I knew him but didn't know I loved him, and I feel like I wasn't even the same person that I am now. 

 

So I sat here wondering what kind of poignant thoughts I was having on the morning of such a life changing event.  Due to the wonder that is blogging, I can actually research such a thing, and here it is:

 

Going on a date tonight is beginning to feel like a bad idea.  I'm not sure why.  I am nervous, and not just the "butterflies in your stomach/exciting" kind of nervous, and not even the "I'm going to the dentist and it's going to hurt like hell" kind of nervous.  More like the "I'm getting in way over my head and making a bad mistake that I'm going to regret and I wish I could just stay home in my pajamas and watch TV with a pint of Ben and Jerry's" kind of nervous.

 

Ha!!  Ok, so I was a little off.  In my defense, the next day I did post that it was the best date ever.  And it was. 

posted by: AmericanGirl at 11:18 | link | comments (8) |

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