American Girl

Thursday, 27 July 2006

I have a great idea. Let's talk about something new.

Once upon a time, when I first started driving, the forecast called for really hard rain. I was at work (I was a late bloomer when it came to driving) I was pacing the floors because I was really nervous about driving home in this storm. Such a basket case was I, that my boss said I, and everyone else, (so I wouldn't feel bad) could go home early. So we did, and five minutes into my commute, the downpour started. It was the kind of rain that your windshiled wipers couldn't keep up with. The kind of rain where all you can do it follow the tail lights in front of you, because you can't see the road. So slowly slowly slowly I made it home, beathing a sigh of relief when I turned onto my little street. The 25 minute commute took over an hour. So, I turned down my street and there is my mom, under an umbrella, in front of our house, waiting for me. How cute is she? Seriously? The only person more worried about me driving home in the pouring rain was her. I laughed at her then, and she said that when I was a mother, I would understand.

I do, I do. But I still laugh at her, only it's with great affection.

Ryan has this funny email about firefighters and their little girls, and how protective they are of them. It states that all of a firefighter's friends make up 9-1-1, so who are you going to call when they come after your for bringing their little girl home late from a date? In truth, I think it's a little creepy, but he thinks it's pretty accurate.

My brother tells a story of tossing a single bullet to a boy who comes to pick his daughter up for a date, and when the boy catches it, he says to have her home by 11:00 or the next one is going to come much faster. Heh.

Hmmm. I like cherries. A lot.

I once impersonated a police officer, because some boys were picking on another little boy at a park I was walking through with a friend. I wouldn't have done it, except that the big one challenged me with "What are you, the police?" and I happened to have a little mini badge in my wallet, and my friend didn't object, and I couldn't resist. Oh, if you could have seen their faces! They immediately started selling out their friends on the next block, who were selling drugs. (Noted) It was all going well and fine until one of them pointed and said "There are your friends." and I looked and there was a (real) cop car driving slowly by. So I said "Ok, looks like our shift is over then." and I gave them a stern look and walked away with my friend, wondering if I should run for it, or take my chances that the real cops might have a sense of humor. They never stopped, so I didn't have to find out.

Whew, it feels good to get that off my chest. What a punk, huh?

That's all I have. Carry on.

posted by: AmericanGirl at 15:33 | link | comments (21) |

Tuesday, 25 July 2006

My doctor called with the information on my twins today. Baby A measured 11 weeks 5 days, and Baby B measured 11 weeks 2 days, so they were both growing well and even big for my due date.

They were identical, and they were boys. Two sons.

They were free from any genetic issues. They were in seperate sacs, but they shared a placenta, which also tested normal, as did the amniotic fluid, as did the TSH levels and there was no Rh sensitization.

In other words, everything was perfect. Except for the obvious.

I don't know what I was expecting to hear. I guess I was hoping for answers, and the healing that would come with just facing that head on and getting past it. As it is I have no answers and I'm just left wondering what I did wrong. If there was just one baby I could see not blaming myself, because things happen in nature and sometimes we just don't know why, but two babies, who were apparently growing very well, and very independently, until some very short time before my appointment, how do you not blame that on the vessel? I was a healthy pregnant person, I didn't drink or do drugs or eat junk food or run a marathon or share germs with sick people. I just wish that someone could point at it and say "Look, you screwed up when you did XYZ, don't do it again if you want to have a healthy baby". Because without knowing, it's too scary to try again. And if nothing else, we owe it to Hope to try again, don't we?

I have been keeping busy and that helps, until the inevitable crash that's looming falls down on me. Boom.

We named them Sean and Matty.

posted by: AmericanGirl at 23:12 | link | comments (7) |

Tuesday, 18 July 2006

posted by: AmericanGirl at 17:02 | link | comments (17) |

posted by: AmericanGirl at 17:01 | link | comments (2) |

posted by: AmericanGirl at 16:25 | link | comments (1) |

Just pushing down the uglies

Where we right on the money when we named her, or what?

posted by: AmericanGirl at 16:17 | link | comments (6) |

Sunday, 16 July 2006

Please don't say anything, I just want to get this out of my head. And please please please don't read this if the mention of loss or miscarriage is upsetting to you. Please.

I can't even believe that I let myself get to this place again. I made so many promises that I would never take things for granted again, and I would appreciate all of the good things in my life every second, and remember that every day is a bonus day, and then I forgot to do all of that. I forgot it all on a Thursday night, when we were driving home from Ryan's doctor appointment, where he had gotten a perfectly clean bill of health, and we went out to dinner because he was "starving" after having to fast for eight hours, and we were driving home to pick up Hope and singing "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" at the top of our lungs because everything was good and perfect and right with the world. Except for the fact that I was carrying two dead babies. Our babies, who were very much wanted and needed and loved.

And now I can't stop kicking myself for all the times I was less than 100% absolutely over the moon thrilled with my pregnancy. I can't believe that I had the audacity to worry about the impact that those two little lives would have made on our little family. I can''t believe I didn't appreciate them for the miracles that they were every second of the 11 weeks that I carried them. I can't believe that I actually spoke the words "I don't know if I can do this" out loud. Because now I can't, and I want to. I want to so bad, because I know I could, if I still had the chance. I know we would have been fine. Better than fine, we would have been perfect, so why did I say all of those things?

Everyone says that I can't blame myself, but that's not possible when it's in your mommy nature to do so. All I can do is look at Hope and how much she needs us for every single thing she does, and how she depends on us to meet all of her needs on a minute by minute basis, and something in my head just screams at me that my twins needed me too. They needed my body and nothing else, just me, and I let them down. They were depending on me to provide what their little bodies needed to grow, and I couldn't even give them that, as I wondered aloud if I could be a good mom to them once they arrived. If I can't blame myself, who can I blame? It's all me, I'm all they had.

Now everyone is acting all weird, and it's probably not them, it's probably me who's the weird one, but Ryan is avoiding home and I can't help but think that it's because he knows it's me too. He knows and he can't deal with it any better than I can.

posted by: AmericanGirl at 15:03 | link | comments (14) |

Thursday, 13 July 2006

When I went to my last doctor appointment on Friday, my twins didn't have heartbeats anymore. I don't have any idea what went wrong. I had a D&C on Monday and we're coping, I suppose. Probably at some point I'll feel like talking about it but right now I really don't. Just needed to let you know.

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