American Girl

She waits another week to fall apart...

If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace. ~ Thomas Paine

Pardon me while I talk myself into something.

Tomorrow i'm going to demote myself.  I have a meeting with my boss to discuss my maternity leave and when I'll be back and what needs to be done and I'm going to tell him that I need to go backwards.  When I accepted this promotion, I didn't know that Ryan was about to get injured and that my little family would start falling apart.  There are still things unknown, like whether or not he'll be able to return to work.  And if he does, it won't be for at least six months.   I don't know if my mother in law will ever leave.  I don't know if I can keep leaving this mess every day and going to that mess only to return to this mess and starting it all over again the next day.

I knew that people would expect me to be on call all the time.  I didn't know that that meant that people would come to me with every little personal problem and expect solutions and advice and comfort.  I knew that it would be hard.  I knew that there would be a learning curve.  I didn't know that I would have to deal with things like politics and pettiness and jealousy and Nigerian lottery winnings and someone putting homeopathic crap in the office water supply.  Don't laugh, it's NOT funny!

I tried adjusting my hours so I could spend more waking hours at home.  All it's doing is making the hours I spend at the office more stressful and therefore the hours I spend at home less happy.  I have tried everything I can reasonably try, and the only solution I can come up with is that I need to go back to working at home.  I can't do my current position from home, so I can only beg for my old position back.  I'm aware that I'm giving up.  I'm a quitter.  I can deal with that.

The truth is that Ryan is not ok.  And he's not going to be ok as long as his mom is living with us and doing everything for him.  My mother in law is wonderful.  Entirely too wonderful., if you know the type.  And I'm not a control freak or anything (shut up) but I can't have someone else running my home, especially when the results are not what they should be.  Ryan can't take care of Hope and I am at work so we have little other choice, but , I mean this in the nicest way possible, the woman has got to go.

Somtimes I thin Ryan just needs a little bit of tough love and maybe a kick in the pants, and then I'll do something like burn my finger on the stove and I'll think "Damn, that hurts."  It does.  Hurt.

I want to have my husband back and I want my house back and I want my family happy and I need to step up and take them and make them, even though everyone might tell me it's a horrible move, it's not.  How could it be?  It's just a job.  Oh sure, it's the job I've spent my entire career working towards, but that's ok, because I was never much of a career minded, goal oriented person anyway.  I just want to be happy.  Being home with my family makes me happy.

posted by: AmericanGirl at 19:42 | link | comments (13) |

Can anyone share tips for getting the smell of puke out of your couch?

Pretty please?

posted by: AmericanGirl at 17:45 | link | comments (11) |

30 weeks.  I'm 30 weeks pregnant today.  That means we can officially start the ten week countdown.  Ten weeks!

Last weekend I spent some time reading message boards.  I peeked at a "Due in March" board full of pregnant women; A few who had just had babies and a whole bunch who were waiting, and it struck me.  I don't want to have another c-section.  I had to have one with Hope, because she was upside down, but this baby is not.  I don't want to have it all scheduled and operating room-serious.  I want to sit around and wonder if every twinge and tightening is IT.  I was reading posts by all these women who were anxiously awaiting their babies and I envied their excitement.  Of course having a baby is exciting, but not knowing when and how it will happen?  SO exciting.  Of course to hear me tell it, these women are all sitting in rocking chairs knitting booties with their hospital bags at their side and their husbands ready to load them into the car for the big event, and that's really not the case.  A good amount of them are completely miserable, and just ready to reach in their, grab a leg, and pull their babies out themselves, but still, it struck me.

Now, if I had my way, we could skip this whole nasty birth process and the stork could just leave a baby in a cradle beside my bed.  But since that's not likely, I want to go with my feelings here.  I don't want another c-section that is scheduled, and comes with a longer hospital stay and a recovery that leaves me unable to pick up Hope for a month.  I don't want the whole sterile birth experience.  This is most likely my last chance, and if I don't experience real labor and "real" birth, how will I know I could have done it?  How will I look down at every male I know with that smug "You think you're so tough?  I'VE given BIRTH!" attitude?  These things are important to me.  Ok I could live without that last part, but I don't want to.  I want to wait till my baby is ready to come out, not go in after her a week early, with forceps.  That's no way to enter the world if you don't have to.

And really, I'm a perfect candidate for a VBAC.  (That's a Vaginal Birth After C-Section)  So why not?  Today I had a doctor appointment and I came prepared with all this information to lay on my doctor and see what she thinks.  And what does she think?  Bad idea.  She wants me to have a c-section.  Now, I have a theory that c-sections are just easier for doctors.  Especially c-sections that are scheduled two months in advance.  But I feel strongly about this, so I persist. 

And do you know what she had the nerve to do?   She turns to Ryan - Yes, the only being in the whole office who will never birth a baby, and says to him "You need to talk some sense into her!".  I saw Ryan's eyes widen in that "Oh no you DIDN'T" way, and he looked at me and we both tried not to laugh.  Talk some SENSE into me??  Oh no, it's ON.  I will push this baby out, if it's just out of pure in-your-face will.  I'll change doctors if I have to.  (And I probably should)  But no one will tell me what I can and can not do with my body and my baby. 

I'm feeling much better about this whole thing.  AmericanGirl is saying NO.

On a completely unrelated note, since last Saturday two police officers here in NY were shot, one was hit by a car (hit and run) two were slashed with knives in two separate incidents,  another was stabbed the next day, and last night two auxiliary officers were killed by gunfire. 

Where is the outrage?  I am outraged.  Where is Al Sharpton to march down the street on behalf of these fallen officers?  What does the Mayor have to say?  "Crime is down in New York".   Yeah.  Don't you believe it.  Someone needs to stand up for the police who swear to protect the citizens of this country.  Do you know what the starting pay is for police officers in New York City?  $25,000.  Do you know what that gets you in this area?  A room in your mom's basement and a place in line at the welfare office.  Food Stamps.   And a bullet to the head.  Again, where is the outrage?  I want to hear some outrage.

 A Part of America Died

Somebody killed a policeman today,
and a part of America died.
A piece of our country he swore to protect,
will be buried with him at his side.
The suspect who shot him will stand up in court,
with counsel demanding his rights,
While a young widowed mother must work for her kids,
and spend alone many long nights.
The beat that he walked was a battlefield too,
just as if he'd gone off to war.
Though the flag of our nation won't fly at half mast,
to his name they will add a gold star.
Yes, somebody killed a policeman today,
It happened in your town or mine.
While we slept in comfort behind our locked doors,
a cop put his life on the line.
Now his ghost walks a beat on a dark city street,
and he stands at each new rookie's side.
He answered the call, and gave us his all,
and a part of America died.

posted by: AmericanGirl at 11:44 | link | comments (12) |

AmericanGirl needs a visit to the bunny planet.

(Is Leigh going to be the only person who "gets" that?)

Blogging was so nice and theraputic when I just complained about everything.  Now I feel like I can't.  Or I shouldn't.  Or I shant.  Perhaps, when you turn the corner and become a responsible blogger, who worries about not being completely truthful for fear of her blog falling into the wrong hands, you should just consider another outlet.  Like origami.  Or homicide.  Or baking.

I can't talk about work and I can't talk about home, but what I can tell you is that Hope is really very cute.  She can dance and it's just about the funniest thing I've ever seen because her feet stay planted on the ground like they're filled with lead but the rest of her body moves.  She can find and push the music making button on any toy you put in front of her, no matter how small or hidden it is.  She can turn the radio on my alarm clock on, and I'm not even sure how to work the thing.  She can say "Take her, pease" which is Hope-speak for "Please pick me up." and she can say "eh-ooh" which is Hope speak for "Thank you" when you do it.  She burned her fingers on some pizza, which would never have happened if her mother had been watching her, and now everything that gets put in front of her, even if it's ice cream or cereal, is "hot" which sounds like "ot" and is spoken in a hushed whisper, as if the hot thing must be respected.  She has just enough hair for a ponytail but won't keep one in for longer than three minutes.  She smiles in her sideways sleep.

posted by: AmericanGirl at 13:49 | link | comments (6) |

Template by motime.com