American Girl

She waits another week to fall apart...

About me

American girls are weather and noise....

If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace. ~ Thomas Paine

You can imagine my annoyance when I got an email from my brother, with a link to the NYC Half Marathon, and a note saying "I signed you up."  Oh, and "You have to raise $1,500."  I sent him back a few choice words, and a suggestion that certainly it was not legal for him to forge my name on a legal agreement, and he of all people should know this.  Then he called, and I grumbled about it some more.  We both decided I was a bitch, and now here I am, training for a half marathon.

I got some new running shoes and woke up early last weekend to start breaking them in.  By the time I got to the end of the second block, I was tired.  My laces were too tight.  But I kept going.  It was windy and cold and unpleasant.  I'm tired of the rain.

I ran past the square in the sidewalk  that some silly homeowner left unsupervised except for a  "Wet Cement" sign, even though his home was right along the main road that takes all the kids to and from school.  That was about 25 years ago, and still, clear  as day, you can read "Pierre The Great" in one corner.  Pierre sat next to me in fifth grade.  I used to let him copy my spelling test for a piece of Bazooka bubble gum.  He was the only Pierre in our whole school, and quite possibly the whole town.  I remember he got called to the principal's office for that.   His mom taught CCD out of her house, and she always gave us Nutter Butters at the end.  She was awesome.

I ran through the school yard and thought about the morning that I was there early, and the janitor was on the roof.  He threw down to me all of the tennis balls that were up there, and it was like I'd won the lottery.  I think I had five tennis balls.  Everyone in my class was so impressed.  I gave one to Pierre.  So I'm thinking, and my lungs are totally burning at this point, that's all it took?   Happiness and joy and excitement used to come so easily.  Now I squelch them all down with a little brown bottle of pills.

Then I thought about the pharmacy, and how there was a big fight between two employees while I was waiting there last week.  The manager said "Go start looking for a new job" but no one thought she meant it.   Then I get my pills, and they look like this:



and I wonder if the argument was over how inept one must be to slap warning stickers on drugs in such a way?  I mean honestly, why bother?

So yeah, I'm back on the drugs, but only one and it seems to be working a lot better than the cocktail I was taking before.  I have hope that I will some day be off of this one too.

I ran past the chicken place and had an instant craving for fried chicken.   And biscuits.  I thought I probably should eat before running.  It started raining, just a light drizzle, but I just kept going.  I thought the girls were probably starting to wake up, and so my three favorite people were probably all snuggled in bed watching cartoons, and what on earth was I doing out here in the rain?

I don't even like running, truth be told.

I thought about my mom, and how one of the last things she said to me before she went into surgery  that she never work up from, was "Keep running with your brother.  It's his way of loving you."  This was before the marathon, which I did only because of these words.  I didn't think I'd be making a career out of it or anything.  In fact, I didn't think I'd ever do it again after that.  I thought about my brother, and how if he hadn't gone ahead and signed me up, I never would have agreed to this, and he knows it.  I flashed back to the last eight months and realized that he's been pretty lost since my mom died, and I've been so wrapped up in my own feelings of drowning in self pity that I barely even noticed.  He never just stops by anymore, and the email about the race was probably the first communication we'd had in two weeks.   This is really unheard of, for us.  I thought about how my biggest fear was that without the hub that was my mom, our family would just settle into our own separate routines and not be as close as we were, and how without even knowing it, I wasn't just letting it happen, but initiating it.  I was going off on my own, because it was easier to deal with my own pain and just lean on Ryan without carrying the weight of their pain too.

I almost got hit by a car.  Really.  I thought he had a stop sign.

I ran faster as I looped back home.  The burning was gone and my legs were tired, but my lungs were ok.  I got the smacking of my feet on the pavement to match the beat of the music in my ipod, and thought about how my entire ipod is filled with songs that have a drum beat that I can match my feet to.  The best one, that is perfectly my speed, is "Aimee"  You know, Whatchoo gonna do?  I don't even remember who sings it, but it matches my feet.  If I could put that song on an endless loop, I could probably run forever.

I decided that I'm going to get off these drugs and get my life back.  I'm going to start eating again, like a normal person.  I'm going to love my life.  It shouldn't be so hard.  It all starts with being ok.  I'm going to be ok.  I'm actually feeling quite good, truth be told.

posted by: AmericanGirl at 11:44 | link | comments (18) |

Comments:

#1  20 May 2008 - 11:54

 

Every time you come back and write something, I remember how good it is to read your meditations. Your children are lucky.

Bazooka and Nutter Butter and Pierre The Great.

In a sea of ranting, your prose is a crystal clear body of water.

Leigh

#2  21 May 2008 - 06:35

 

There is so much in this post, so life-affirming. And, as Leigh says, your writing is crystal clear.

I am so glad you've decided to get your life back.

xoxoxo

InMyLife

#3  21 May 2008 - 06:39

 

you are going to be ok...:)

CrochetforFun

#4  21 May 2008 - 08:35

 

it's amazing what exercise can do for you - especially mentally. i find that my mind sorts out all kinds of things while i'm on the nordictrack, and i'm always, always in a better mood after a workout.

i'm thinking the pharmacy person slapping the warning stickers on probably had their hand in the happy pill jar a bit too often.

exercise is the best medicine. when's the race?

one

#5  21 May 2008 - 14:08

 

Your posts are always so poignant and like a soothing balm to read. Seriously, your outlook on life, even in times of sadness, could give anyone hope that they too will find the love and comfort and warmth and intelligence that you embrace, and that is so clearly all around you.

Also, how did you get to be such a great writer? For seriously. My posts are like someone vomited after too much chocolate and tacos.

DJGroovySlug

#6  21 May 2008 - 14:30

 

#5 The great writing must have come from Nutter Butters. I was raised on crappy Chips Ahoy and it shows.

rustymadgal

#7  21 May 2008 - 16:33

 

Leigh, you have no idea how happy it makes me to see you commenting about. Really, no idea. I see your name on my little recent comment list and my heart flips. Ok, how stupid do I sound? I mean it, though.

It's funny how all over the place these thoughts read to me, compared with how eloquent they sound in my head. I should end each post with "Or something like that." It's not great writing. You guys are just really, really good at reading and interpreting what it is I'm trying to get at. It's a gift that all great bloggers have, I think.

One - July...27th I think? I almost forgot to bitch about how lovely it will be to run through Times Square in late July. Blech! It's for a good cause. Please keep reminding me that it's for a good cause.

If Nutter Butters made great writing, I'd be Shakespear.

AmericanGirl

#8  21 May 2008 - 16:35

 

Um, add an "e" to Shakespear. Shakespeare. Thanks.

AmericanGirl

#9  21 May 2008 - 16:39

 

"My posts are like someone vomited after too much chocolate and tacos."

So completely not true! I love your writing. Remember how I got a little crush on you that first time you told off Jheka? (No offense, Jheka) I'm really glad you kept your blog going after it wasn't required for school anymore.

AmericanGirl

#10  21 May 2008 - 20:31

 

Great post!!!

best wishes to you!

Jackal

#11  22 May 2008 - 07:08

 

It's not great writing.

It is too great writing. Soulful writing.

Leigh

#12  22 May 2008 - 07:12

 

Speaking of Jheka, rumor has it a girl has captured his heart. Don't keep this a secret from the rest of us!!

DJGroovySlug

#13  22 May 2008 - 10:19

 

A beautiful post. Hugs from a fellow runner! There is something therapeudic about running which is why I still do it. Perhaps one day you and your brother will come to Hawai'i and do the Honolulu Marathon.

RomaCittaEterna

#14  22 May 2008 - 11:35

 

a july race is nothing short of torture. with the way things are shaping up for the summer, you might get drenched in a downpour to boot.

come to think of it, it might be a relief if it rains on your parade. so to speak.

one

#15  23 May 2008 - 12:17

 

Listen to Leigh, and everyone else for that matter, my dear.

Pure Prairie League. I loved that song too. I remember I got the album for free from my neighbor and it was so thrilling. Simpler days indeed!

And back to your writing a moment - it is crystal clear! As soon as you mentioned Aimee I could hear it in my head and could feel the pace of your run. Brilliant.

8

#16  26 May 2008 - 10:26

 

You've got Mo'time mail.

RomaCittaEterna

#17  27 May 2008 - 08:33

 

Best of luck with your half marathon. My daughter J did one of those in Utah back several years ago - I helped her train on the mostly downhill part - me on a bike, since my knees won't allow running.

mafidl

#18  22 July 2008 - 09:58

 

I logged in radomly today & check your blog - so glad I did though I've got tears from it - you perfectly capture that first run the one that makes you wonder why you ever did it ever do it and then somehow you are running and not thinking - you are running. wonderful. thank you. - 120pages

Anonymous

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